she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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