I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
