Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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