You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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