Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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