don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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