i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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