The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
