he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
