You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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