i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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