So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
