the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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