Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
