you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
where are my eyebrows?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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