do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
