You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
