I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
