Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
