A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
