my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
