if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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