he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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