Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
