I wish I only lived at night.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
