This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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