And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
