so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
