I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it glows. i had to have it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
