I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
