I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
