he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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