Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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