Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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