I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
