Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
