haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
