i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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