On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
