My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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