another moral hangover. fuck.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
