I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
