I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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