I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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