All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm going to jail i love you
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
