"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
