So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize