Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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