he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
