Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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