A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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