Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
