I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
