i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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