The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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