I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize