I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
