i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
