WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
