Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
