Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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