a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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