She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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