what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
