can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
