im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
