Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
