Can i not drive my cunt home
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
