Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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