Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
