I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
